Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
