I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
