I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize