From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
