Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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