thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
