I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
