I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
