How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
