My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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