He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
