ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize