he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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