I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
