If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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