If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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