sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
