# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
