My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
