his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
