Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
