I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
