dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
