I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You ate ashes out of my bong
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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