the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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