God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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