Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
