i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
