I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize