wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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