Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
