we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize