I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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