You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
