They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
