Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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