This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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