so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
