My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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