I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize