matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
