i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize