Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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