i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
