my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize