I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I need a beard to bite.
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