you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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