I want to have your abortion
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
