now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
