haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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