just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
