Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
