2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
