I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
