the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
