Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
